Thursday, March 26, 2015

Spring Catch Up

Today I have felt the best I have felt in a long time. Long meaning the last two months.
Let's catch up.


My last post had details of 'the plan.' But a lot has changed since then. In January the big news was that I had gotten the 'green light' from my regular endocrinologist to officially start treatments in February. The end of month cycle in January that was supposed to happen I was going to order all the medications, never started because I was already pregnant. It was such a shock (for me) because it really kinda of felt out of left field, even though we had been trying for so so long.
My mind had been ready for the fight. I had my armour on. Now all of a sudden I didn't need to go to war, the 'win' has happened.
I had confirmed my pregnancy on Jan 30th, then was in a really serious car accident on Feb 2nd, totaling my car. It was pretty scary as I was carted away in the ambulance I couldn't help but think, what just happened, whats going to happen, has anything happened to my new growing baby?

I was stopped waiting for traffic to make a left hand turn into the parking lot. The car I was waiting on just passed, and the nano-second I took my foot off the breaks - - - BOOM - - - I was slammed, so hard that my car made a slight left turn (b/c my wheel was already turning), jumped the curb and ended in the ditch.

It was really to soon to do any imaging, so I had to wait two weeks for the baby to have grown. At 6 weeks we did see a heartbeat, and that's when I finally caved in and fell completely in love with this new being. It was so amazing to see a life, a flicker on the screen that was the heartbeat. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Then came our 8 week appointment. It was a Friday. The goal this time was to see growth, that everything measured where it was supposed to. I was going to go ahead and close out the medical claim I had with the car insurance and start working on a settlement pay out. As soon as the tech showed the baby on the screen, we no longer saw that flicker. The doctor only said what I knew to be true - there was no heartbeat. And everything came crashing down. (This is all "long story short")
But today, I'm finally feeling a solid "ok." In the weeks after the loss I made a decision that I cant let this effect me and my future. I needed to turn the focus back on myself for my health and well being.
There's no specific reason ever to why a pregnancy ends. Sure I believe the accident had a small part, sure it could be chromosomal, and yea sure maybe my weight, or stress, or whatever else it could have been. But I can't wallow in the pain of it. I can't let every Friday affect me "this week would have been 12 weeks, etc" or let the approximate due date bother me. I loved being pregnant and I believe that it will happen again. And the silver lining is that I was able to get pregnant on my own. No needles, no hormones or drugs. So we try again. And that's all there is really to say about it.
I'm definitely going to have moments that sting, and I'll have momentary sadness. But I hope for my sanity's sake that I will turn it around into hope and smiles.  
I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the accident. I'm having to jump through A LOT of hurdles with the car insurance, but I can see the end of it all very soon. Or I'll be ready for the fight if need be. I almost feel like once I get this resolved I can truly put this all behind me and get myself and my head back on straight and get my head back in the game. 
Right now & future?
I'm waiting for my body to catch up. Because I had opted for a procedure (and not let things pass naturally), its a big trick on the body and it's been slow catch up, but I think it's starting to come around. And I hope to have the car insurance claim & settlement resolved in the next two/three weeks and finally get a new car.
I'm working out and training for a 5k race. This has helped me so much, and I remember the joy and accomplishment I felt after a good run.
I met with our fertility doctor and we have a good solid plan. Something for me to hold onto in the next couple of months.
We'll have to wait out the next two cycles, then try again on the third. I'm forgoing any treatments for the two cycles for now. If I can get pregnant on my own, then I want to try and do it again. It'd be nice to avoid any treatments. Though I'll be ready for it if it comes down to that on the 3rd cycle.
I'm sharing this with you because I have been so open with our story. And this is part of our story. Being infertile, or facing infertility and loss shouldn't be a shameful thing to go through alone. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I'd rather have a conversation about it then going on un-educated about the subject. Maybe one day you'll be able to see a friend through a loss or struggle. My husband and friends have been pretty awesome. Sometimes they don't know what to say, and that's completely ok. Its just about being there, listening, giving me a tissue when I'm crying my eyes out. Sometimes its all I need.
I'm working through the feelings of being shameful about it, or embarrassed by it. Sometimes I even feel judged, like "there she goes crying.. AGAIN," and I shouldn't feel that way. It's totally ok to be sad. And really, this Friday will only have been 4 weeks since the loss. But I'm doing pretty good. I said on my status earlier that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its the headlight of another train coming straight towards be, I'll be ready to face it head on.