Sunday, December 27, 2015

Our BIG BIG News! Twin journey up to 12 weeks

My goodness, where I do even start? So lets rewind to where I sent out my last message that we were about to start fertility treatments. Given that we were able to get pregnant on our own before, that's where I kind of wanted to start in this process. We had decided to to 2/3 rounds of 'regular' trying with me just being on medications.

Our 1st round of treatments was of course unsuccessful and was more intense than I thought it was going to be. Every-day was something; medication, monitoring appointments, injections, blood draws, pee sticks, stressing about how many follicles/eggs I'd end up with. It was a lot, on top of working two jobs to be able to afford it all. I was exhausted in every sense of the word.

But we jumped right into the second cycle, clear headed and ready to go. I think from the beginning of this cycle I just felt better. I guess it was because I knew what to expect this time. I took my medicine, injections in my tummy, my body was responding really well this time. The nurses were almost going to 'cancel' the cycle on me because I had to many eggs (!!!  I've never been told that in my life). My case quickly went through two nurses, and eventually back to my doctor. My doctor calls me the same day we found out I had 4 shiny eggs ready to go, and she warned me about the risk of multiples. I had said that I was ok with that, and she let us move forward with the timed trying. That night I took my trigger shot (another injection to release the eggs from the ovaries) and we did the baby dance.
That's when the "two week wait" starts. Luckily, learning from last time, I stacked my week up with activities, personal training, working job #2, keeping my mind off what could or could not be happening.
But I broke down on the Monday before my blood test (beta) and took a hpt and it was negative. I was devastated. I had been so excited about this round, that this one could finally be the one after years and years. Friday rolls around, and I go in for my beta test, and the nurse was like 'did you cheat? (take a hpt). I said yes I did, and its a 'no.' She responded back, well lets just wait and see. You never know. But I didn't even give it a second thought. I was already thinking about round #3 and if I was mentally ready for it after such a disappointment, and on top of that my thyroid starting acting up again and I might of had to wait till 2016 anyways (deciding already that we would wait out December b/c of the holidays).

Later that Friday, the nurse calls:
"Hello, is this Kimberly?"
"Well Kimberly, I have some good news for you.."
"Noooooooo way..."
"Yes, you're pregnant!"
"No! I'm not!"
"Yes you are! Now stop it."

Went back to the clinic two more times to make sure the beta's doubled. Meaning, my beta (blood test) was 214 on Friday. Monday it tripled to over 700, then again on wed over 1400. I kind of had an inclining that it might be twins at this point, just comparing to the figures I of course googled at the time.
We found out at 6 weeks it was twins - fraternal. They are di-di for anyone interested in the science of it all. There are 4 types of twins, and di di are the best kind of twins, less complications since they are in separate sacs.
6w 3days
Right after we hit 8 weeks, I ended up getting a Subchorionic Hemorrhage, where a collection of blood clots gather around the placenta and tear. It completely frightened me, and I thought, well - here we go again. But we went to the doctors in the morning and as soon as they went in, they found both babies doing just perfect. I haven't had a complication since.
8w 4days. So much growth!
We "graduated" from our fertility clinic at 9 weeks and had our next 'real' appointment (that normal pregnant people get) at 10+week at an OB.

These are 10 weeks 6 days

Because I'm having twins, I'm considered high risk. So Seth and I went to our 1st high risk doctor on Dec 21st and had our 12+ weeks scan. The big thing about this particular scan was seeing if there were any signs of downs. They measured the neck of both babies, and if they measured more than 3mm wide, the doctor would probably suggest a more invasive test to get more information. For a second, that had me worried b/c of course the tech didn't tell us the measurements and I was just enamored by what was showing on the screen. I'm happy to announce that both babies only measured 1.7 -so we're fiiiiiiine!
I can't believe we have been so blessed. God choose me to carry and deliver two lives into this world. Wow! 
Please continue to pray for us, as our lives will be adjusting to having two babies in the very near future. 6 months will fly by real fast, and as each week goes by I'm getting a little overwhelmed. But I'll get there. I plan on sharing post's like this one every few weeks to keep everyone updated. 

I'll end this post with a "See ya in 2016!"

With Love, 
Kimberly & Seth (& family :) )

Monday, August 31, 2015

End of Summer Catch Up

I hope you all are doing well! How is it almost the end of summer already? Though, I have to admit I'm kind of looking forward to cooler temp's and the changing of the seasons. With change, comes hope.

Its time for an update! My last post was about having gone through our loss and the plan was to try all summer to repeat the luck I had in January, on our own with no medical help.
After much trying and no such luck and after some brief sadness and confusion in the early months of summer (why me? why not?) I feel like I've come out the other side of this all and I'm ready to move forward to the next stage, an acceptance of sorts. I've got my armor back on, and my head is back in the game and I'm ready. Not that I necessarily need that guard up, as my worst fear has already happened, but now I think I'll be able to handle absolutely everything that will be thrown my way.

And after much back + fourth with the car accident/insurance issues, I finally got a settlement and a new car at the end of March. Its another civic- 2015 -4 door. I was worried that I wouldn't have enough space for the twins I'm praying for. While waiting for the sales guy to pull up the car I picked out, I saw a mom get her baby out of the back seat of a.... 4 door civic. So I stopped her when she came inside and asked if she liked her car and if it made sense to have with a family. Her response made me feel much better about going for the smaller car rather than another CRV. She said she loved it, and that it worked out great. She has plenty of room for car seats and baby stuff in the trunk. So now, all I have to get is the baby(s).

After trying for so long -to date, it has been over 11 years and we are really just beginning our journey. We are beginning our 1st treated cycle, and however many more until I get my take home baby. Lately my mantra has been "It will happen the way its supposed to."  I continue to wonder, what the heck is my plan and admittedly struggle with that. But I have a bible verse that I lean on, A LOT, its right next to my computer at work "Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and thank him for his answers; Philippians 6."
And I get signs every once in awhile that remind me that He is always there.
Its funny, I work a second part time job at a grocery store as a cashier -and the conversation always begins as "Hi, how are you?" and they either respond back or mumble something (different story for a different day). When the question is asked in return I always wonder how they would react when I would say "oh, you know just struggling through PCOS, with a side helping of a thyroid problem not the mention infertility & loss, and I'm about to shoot myself up with hormones with needles and drugs to see if that helps, but other than that I'm GREAT!"  So instead I say, "I'm doing pretty good." Which is honest, I am pretty good. Then there are those times I get a response back  as"its a blessed day, your alive and breathing," or "it could be worse!" That's true, even after everything I have gone through in just these last 12 months, it certainly could be worse. I take it as a little nudge from Him telling me to 'relax, I got you.'
Or more recently the time where I had three separate people in my line one after the other and they were all twins (had a twin sister/brother)! I had them rub my hands for good luck. What are the odds of that??

So, its back to the plan. Its the same one I was supposed to have started in February this year. I feel like its a standard, good way to start. We're taking it on the slower end of things at first to where there are no major changes to what we have been doing, except that I'm on 4 different medications and I'll be checking in with the doctors to see those follicles growing to make sure that I even do have eggs to get fertilized.
And then we'll go from there.
I am very blessed to have the best doctors in the area, who really do care about me and building my family, who have called me personally on a Saturday to say how sorry they were to hear that I had miscarried. To have offered me choices and plans but ended the conversation "its up to you." To have a nurse who is handling my case, who make sure she calls me back at any hour (the last call being at 9pm on her day off(!!!) )  to make sure I understand everything and answers all my questions. I have complete control of my path and sometimes that can be a rare thing to have when dealing with a team of doctors.

Going through and dealing with infertility and now loss is something that can be so intense and life consuming, but I'm trying my best to not let it take over my life, no time for that :)    Ever since my loss, its been about slowing way down and taking this process day by day, as anything could happen to stop me dead in my tracks. And I'm still in that mind frame. Day by day, cycle by cycle. And manage life in between and still working on 'me.'

I'll write an update when I feel like there's something to update you with. Sometimes I feel like crawling into a cave and not coming out, focusing only on myself and not get distracted with the world outside. And I think that's ok sometimes, almost like battling this alone (with the husband). That way I can keep quite and not have to report anything. Some days or weeks I just may do that. Do not be offended if I withdraw from you. Sometimes I wont/don't have the energy for anything other than getting myself through the next day. I'm just trying to cope with the emotional roller coaster I'm about to board.

I am however, looking forward to Gamecock Football!! The color of leaves changing in the mountains that surround us. The chill in the air. Hopefully getting in a hike or two before it gets really cold. Also getting in some day/weekend trips with the husband (including a Steeler football game against that 'purple' team). And seeing some friends I haven't seen in a while - I will make the effort I promise!

In closing, by the time you read this I will have already started the treatment processes. I ask as I move forward with the next stage of building my family I would appreciate any prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts my way. I encourage you to read those articles that either I or someone else post's. It just gives you a little bit more insight to what I or someone you know is going through. I'm so happy to see this area being shown out in the light of day because it shouldn't be hidden in the darkness. I'm always happy to have a conversation or answer any curious minds.

Until Next Time
With Love,
Kimberly & Seth

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Spring Catch Up

Today I have felt the best I have felt in a long time. Long meaning the last two months.
Let's catch up.


My last post had details of 'the plan.' But a lot has changed since then. In January the big news was that I had gotten the 'green light' from my regular endocrinologist to officially start treatments in February. The end of month cycle in January that was supposed to happen I was going to order all the medications, never started because I was already pregnant. It was such a shock (for me) because it really kinda of felt out of left field, even though we had been trying for so so long.
My mind had been ready for the fight. I had my armour on. Now all of a sudden I didn't need to go to war, the 'win' has happened.
I had confirmed my pregnancy on Jan 30th, then was in a really serious car accident on Feb 2nd, totaling my car. It was pretty scary as I was carted away in the ambulance I couldn't help but think, what just happened, whats going to happen, has anything happened to my new growing baby?

I was stopped waiting for traffic to make a left hand turn into the parking lot. The car I was waiting on just passed, and the nano-second I took my foot off the breaks - - - BOOM - - - I was slammed, so hard that my car made a slight left turn (b/c my wheel was already turning), jumped the curb and ended in the ditch.

It was really to soon to do any imaging, so I had to wait two weeks for the baby to have grown. At 6 weeks we did see a heartbeat, and that's when I finally caved in and fell completely in love with this new being. It was so amazing to see a life, a flicker on the screen that was the heartbeat. I don't think I'll ever forget it.
Then came our 8 week appointment. It was a Friday. The goal this time was to see growth, that everything measured where it was supposed to. I was going to go ahead and close out the medical claim I had with the car insurance and start working on a settlement pay out. As soon as the tech showed the baby on the screen, we no longer saw that flicker. The doctor only said what I knew to be true - there was no heartbeat. And everything came crashing down. (This is all "long story short")
But today, I'm finally feeling a solid "ok." In the weeks after the loss I made a decision that I cant let this effect me and my future. I needed to turn the focus back on myself for my health and well being.
There's no specific reason ever to why a pregnancy ends. Sure I believe the accident had a small part, sure it could be chromosomal, and yea sure maybe my weight, or stress, or whatever else it could have been. But I can't wallow in the pain of it. I can't let every Friday affect me "this week would have been 12 weeks, etc" or let the approximate due date bother me. I loved being pregnant and I believe that it will happen again. And the silver lining is that I was able to get pregnant on my own. No needles, no hormones or drugs. So we try again. And that's all there is really to say about it.
I'm definitely going to have moments that sting, and I'll have momentary sadness. But I hope for my sanity's sake that I will turn it around into hope and smiles.  
I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the accident. I'm having to jump through A LOT of hurdles with the car insurance, but I can see the end of it all very soon. Or I'll be ready for the fight if need be. I almost feel like once I get this resolved I can truly put this all behind me and get myself and my head back on straight and get my head back in the game. 
Right now & future?
I'm waiting for my body to catch up. Because I had opted for a procedure (and not let things pass naturally), its a big trick on the body and it's been slow catch up, but I think it's starting to come around. And I hope to have the car insurance claim & settlement resolved in the next two/three weeks and finally get a new car.
I'm working out and training for a 5k race. This has helped me so much, and I remember the joy and accomplishment I felt after a good run.
I met with our fertility doctor and we have a good solid plan. Something for me to hold onto in the next couple of months.
We'll have to wait out the next two cycles, then try again on the third. I'm forgoing any treatments for the two cycles for now. If I can get pregnant on my own, then I want to try and do it again. It'd be nice to avoid any treatments. Though I'll be ready for it if it comes down to that on the 3rd cycle.
I'm sharing this with you because I have been so open with our story. And this is part of our story. Being infertile, or facing infertility and loss shouldn't be a shameful thing to go through alone. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I'd rather have a conversation about it then going on un-educated about the subject. Maybe one day you'll be able to see a friend through a loss or struggle. My husband and friends have been pretty awesome. Sometimes they don't know what to say, and that's completely ok. Its just about being there, listening, giving me a tissue when I'm crying my eyes out. Sometimes its all I need.
I'm working through the feelings of being shameful about it, or embarrassed by it. Sometimes I even feel judged, like "there she goes crying.. AGAIN," and I shouldn't feel that way. It's totally ok to be sad. And really, this Friday will only have been 4 weeks since the loss. But I'm doing pretty good. I said on my status earlier that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its the headlight of another train coming straight towards be, I'll be ready to face it head on.