Thursday, October 30, 2014

And So My Story Begins

When you're young, you never really think about the bad things that can happen when you "grow up," you never really think about the problems you could face as an adult or even how to overcome them. Going back, I don't ever remember thinking a lot about children, I just kind of assumed that one day I will marry and have kids - The End.
It was the summer after Seth and I started dating, I started to think about baby names. I already knew what our little girls name would be, and throwing around boy names just in case. It had only been a few months into our relationship (after a long friendship), but I knew I would marry this man. I knew it when I first saw him (so cliche, but true). We were an instant hit. The way we were headed, I knew that a baby would come at fate's choosing. A few years passed, the relationship turns into an engagement, soon after, marriage. I wish I could get married everyday. To see the Seth's face over and over again when he first looked at me walking down the pier over looking the bohemian island would be a dream come true.
The questions you face as a couple started. "Whens baby coming?, what are you planning, etc?."   Not one person in my family (and I have a large family) has ever had a problem having children (more thoughts on that later), so when we started to seriously try and nothing happened, at first I really didn't think much of it. But after a few doctors apt's and being diagnosed with not only a Thyroid condition but also Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS for short) I was completely devastated. I can remember that night after getting home from the doctors, calling Seth and telling him, crying to him while on the floor, that we may not be able to have children. *Side note, one of the main symptoms of PCOS, among a slew of others is infertility.* I had all the signs of this for years, and the doctors had always just thought it was hormones, I'll grow out of it. Never ONCE looking at all of my symptoms as a whole and investigating further that I might actually have a problem. For this, I was so angry. Angry at the doctors, angry at God, angry at my body. Seth's first response to me in a calm voice was, "don't worry, we'll figure this out together." He may not realize all of this, not realize that I remember these things, so when you read this hunny bear, I love you!
A few years ago I had made it my mission to find out what was "wrong" with me, so I made an apt with Shady Grove Fertility. I remember this being November because I wanted to make it a new years resolution to start having a family, to do whatever it took. So I went, did all of the tests. Seth did his part, his easy part! At the end of this, I was told it turns out there is just no rhyme or reason as to why I wasn't able to get pregnant. Out of 100 couples, 25 come back as having issues, and of those 25, 10 couples have no reasons. That might sound like good news, but again I was devastated. After one of the painful tests (HSG for any other those whose had one-ouch!) the doctor who was administering it told me I had wonderful tubes and no blockages, that I didn't need roto rooter. Right there on the awkward table I burst out crying, like hysterical ugly face crying - then why wasn't I able to get pregnant??!! I was desperately seeking something to be wrong with me, so that I can fix it. This put in me a state of limbo, not know if I can truly have kids or not. We weren't ready to move forward with treatment at that time. So I focused on myself, I knew I needed to have the stars align to get through this.
I started to run and enjoy it! A mere acquaintance at work invited me to train with her for our first 5k. The last time I had run, was high school track. But I decided that I needed this, needed this to take the focus away from babies. I ran that 5k and I felt so accomplished, that was the first of many races I would soon run. And that mere acquaintance and I are now the best of friends. She may are may not know this, but just being there and inviting me "in" kind of pulled me through one (of many) of my darkest hour. I continued to run, lose the weight I needed to and started to financially plan for treatment, whether that meant IVF or not. I knew from my initial apt that my insurance (at the time) would cover up to 50,000. So that meant I could fit in possibly 2 rounds of IVF.
After talking with Seth, we decided that Sept 2013 would be it. We were going to take the plunge and go for it, whatever "it" meant.
2013 was a really rough year as it all completely fell apart. Starting in January and each month to follow I had a lifetime event blow to my life. I wont go into details (to much to type) but I'm amazed that I got through that year without completely losing my mind. Out of the many blows that I suffered, losing my job was in the top 3. Losing my job, meant losing my benefits, meant losing the opportunity to have a child. I was more upset about losing my benefits, than losing my job. I thought, wow - this is never going to happen for me.
As each year passed, and each birthday passed (at this point it has been 10 years of "not, not" trying if you catch my drift) I kept getting more discouraged. Having a Godawful job didn't help either. That place really chewed me up and spit me out. So to pull myself out of this nightmare, I decided it was up to me. I started to look for another job and that's all I could focus on, getting the heck outta there. I had a great interview and promise of a new job in early February, but that didn't work out. I tired to not let that bother me and my faith grew stronger after every phone interview.
A few more months made their rounds, and then I started to look for a job close to home. Why not? I knew it would be a pay cut, but I thought of all of many benefits of working within 20 min of my house (being able to go get my child sick at school for instance). It was now April of this year (2014) and I had applied to two jobs, getting interviews for both. And I weighed my options out and ended up getting a lifetime opportunity that I love to this day.
This is all seamlessly working out to Gods glory. Because, guess what?  The benefits that come with this job will completely 100% cover treatments, and cover up to three tries per baby. That means I could have A  LOT of babies :)
So, today marks the day of the beginning. My husband and I couldn't be closer and more excited about starting this journey. We have our 1st apt today to see what our options are, and to move forward with them. I am going journal this journey for a couple of reasons. I hope I get a book deal, then a movie deal. haha. The main reason is that I'm sure you know of someone who has gone through this, but probably (under normal circumstances) wouldn't know all the details, the struggle, the feelings of a couple going through their infertility journey. Maybe it could bring just a little bit more awareness to these types of issues. And of course, the more support I get the better. All positive thoughts and prayers are welcome! So here we go!