End of Summer Catch Up

I hope you all are doing well! How is it almost the end of summer already? Though, I have to admit I'm kind of looking forward to cooler temp's and the changing of the seasons. With change, comes hope.

Its time for an update! My last post was about having gone through our loss and the plan was to try all summer to repeat the luck I had in January, on our own with no medical help.
After much trying and no such luck and after some brief sadness and confusion in the early months of summer (why me? why not?) I feel like I've come out the other side of this all and I'm ready to move forward to the next stage, an acceptance of sorts. I've got my armor back on, and my head is back in the game and I'm ready. Not that I necessarily need that guard up, as my worst fear has already happened, but now I think I'll be able to handle absolutely everything that will be thrown my way.

And after much back + fourth with the car accident/insurance issues, I finally got a settlement and a new car at the end of March. Its another civic- 2015 -4 door. I was worried that I wouldn't have enough space for the twins I'm praying for. While waiting for the sales guy to pull up the car I picked out, I saw a mom get her baby out of the back seat of a.... 4 door civic. So I stopped her when she came inside and asked if she liked her car and if it made sense to have with a family. Her response made me feel much better about going for the smaller car rather than another CRV. She said she loved it, and that it worked out great. She has plenty of room for car seats and baby stuff in the trunk. So now, all I have to get is the baby(s).

After trying for so long -to date, it has been over 11 years and we are really just beginning our journey. We are beginning our 1st treated cycle, and however many more until I get my take home baby. Lately my mantra has been "It will happen the way its supposed to."  I continue to wonder, what the heck is my plan and admittedly struggle with that. But I have a bible verse that I lean on, A LOT, its right next to my computer at work "Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and thank him for his answers; Philippians 6."

And I get signs every once in awhile that remind me that He is always there.

Its funny, I work a second part time job at a grocery store as a cashier -and the conversation always begins as "Hi, how are you?" and they either respond back or mumble something (different story for a different day). When the question is asked in return I always wonder how they would react when I would say "oh, you know just struggling through PCOS, with a side helping of a thyroid problem not the mention infertility & loss, and I'm about to shoot myself up with hormones with needles and drugs to see if that helps, but other than that I'm GREAT!"  So instead I say, "I'm doing pretty good." Which is honest, I am pretty good. Then there are those times I get a response back  as"its a blessed day, your alive and breathing," or "it could be worse!" That's true, even after everything I have gone through in just these last 12 months, it certainly could be worse. I take it as a little nudge from Him telling me to 'relax, I got you.'
Or more recently the time where I had three separate people in my line one after the other and they were all twins (had a twin sister/brother)! I had them rub my hands for good luck. What are the odds of that??

So, its back to the plan. Its the same one I was supposed to have started in February this year. I feel like its a standard, good way to start. We're taking it on the slower end of things at first to where there are no major changes to what we have been doing, except that I'm on 4 different medications and I'll be checking in with the doctors to see those follicles growing to make sure that I even do have eggs to get fertilized.
And then we'll go from there.
I am very blessed to have the best doctors in the area, who really do care about me and building my family, who have called me personally on a Saturday to say how sorry they were to hear that I had miscarried. To have offered me choices and plans but ended the conversation "its up to you." To have a nurse who is handling my case, who make sure she calls me back at any hour (the last call being at 9pm on her day off(!!!) )  to make sure I understand everything and answers all my questions. I have complete control of my path and sometimes that can be a rare thing to have when dealing with a team of doctors.

Going through and dealing with infertility and now loss is something that can be so intense and life consuming, but I'm trying my best to not let it take over my life, no time for that :)    Ever since my loss, its been about slowing way down and taking this process day by day, as anything could happen to stop me dead in my tracks. And I'm still in that mind frame. Day by day, cycle by cycle. And manage life in between and still working on 'me.'

I'll write an update when I feel like there's something to update you with. Sometimes I feel like crawling into a cave and not coming out, focusing only on myself and not get distracted with the world outside. And I think that's ok sometimes, almost like battling this alone (with the husband). That way I can keep quite and not have to report anything. Some days or weeks I just may do that. Do not be offended if I withdraw from you. Sometimes I wont/don't have the energy for anything other than getting myself through the next day. I'm just trying to cope with the emotional roller coaster I'm about to board.

I am however, looking forward to Gamecock Football!! The color of leaves changing in the mountains that surround us. The chill in the air. Hopefully getting in a hike or two before it gets really cold. Also getting in some day/weekend trips with the husband (including a Steeler football game against that 'purple' team). And seeing some friends I haven't seen in a while - I will make the effort I promise!

In closing, by the time you read this I will have already started the treatment processes. I ask as I move forward with the next stage of building my family I would appreciate any prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts my way. I encourage you to read those articles that either I or someone else post's. It just gives you a little bit more insight to what I or someone you know is going through. I'm so happy to see this area being shown out in the light of day because it shouldn't be hidden in the darkness. I'm always happy to have a conversation or answer any curious minds.

Until Next Time
With Love,
Kimberly & Seth

Spring Catch Up

Today I have felt the best I have felt in a long time. Long meaning the last two months.
Let's catch up.

 

My last post had details of 'the plan.' But a lot has changed since then. In January the big news was that I had gotten the 'green light' from my regular endocrinologist to officially start treatments in February. The end of month cycle in January that was supposed to happen I was going to order all the medications, never started because I was already pregnant. It was such a shock (for me) because it really kinda of felt out of left field, even though we had been trying for so so long.
My mind had been ready for the fight. I had my armour on. Now all of a sudden I didn't need to go to war, the 'win' has happened.
I had confirmed my pregnancy on Jan 30th, then was in a really serious car accident on Feb 2nd, totaling my car. It was pretty scary as I was carted away in the ambulance I couldn't help but think, what just happened, whats going to happen, has anything happened to my new growing baby?
. 



I was stopped waiting for traffic to make a left hand turn into the parking lot. The car I was waiting on just passed, and the nano-second I took my foot off the breaks - - - BOOM - - - I was slammed, so hard that my car made a slight left turn (b/c my wheel was already turning), jumped the curb and ended in the ditch.

 

It was really to soon to do any imaging, so I had to wait two weeks for the baby to have grown. At 6 weeks we did see a heartbeat, and that's when I finally caved in and fell completely in love with this new being. It was so amazing to see a life, a flicker on the screen that was the heartbeat. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Then came our 8 week appointment. It was a Friday. The goal this time was to see growth, that everything measured where it was supposed to. I was going to go ahead and close out the medical claim I had with the car insurance and start working on a settlement pay out. As soon as the tech showed the baby on the screen, we no longer saw that flicker. The doctor only said what I knew to be true - there was no heartbeat. And everything came crashing down. (This is all "long story short")

 

But today, I'm finally feeling a solid "ok." In the weeks after the loss I made a decision that I cant let this effect me and my future. I needed to turn the focus back on myself for my health and well being.

There's no specific reason ever to why a pregnancy ends. Sure I believe the accident had a small part, sure it could be chromosomal, and yea sure maybe my weight, or stress, or whatever else it could have been. But I can't wallow in the pain of it. I can't let every Friday affect me "this week would have been 12 weeks, etc" or let the approximate due date bother me. I loved being pregnant and I believe that it will happen again. And the silver lining is that I was able to get pregnant on my own. No needles, no hormones or drugs. So we try again. And that's all there is really to say about it.

I'm definitely going to have moments that sting, and I'll have momentary sadness. But I hope for my sanity's sake that I will turn it around into hope and smiles.  

 

I'm still dealing with the aftermath of the accident. I'm having to jump through A LOT of hurdles with the car insurance, but I can see the end of it all very soon. Or I'll be ready for the fight if need be. I almost feel like once I get this resolved I can truly put this all behind me and get myself and my head back on straight and get my head back in the game.
 

 

 

Right now & future?

I'm waiting for my body to catch up. Because I had opted for a procedure (and not let things pass naturally), its a big trick on the body and it's been slow catch up, but I think it's starting to come around. And I hope to have the car insurance claim & settlement resolved in the next two/three weeks and finally get a new car.

I'm working out and training for a 5k race. This has helped me so much, and I remember the joy and accomplishment I felt after a good run.

 

Future:

I met with our fertility doctor and we have a good solid plan. Something for me to hold onto in the next couple of months.

We'll have to wait out the next two cycles, then try again on the third. I'm forgoing any treatments for the two cycles for now. If I can get pregnant on my own, then I want to try and do it again. It'd be nice to avoid any treatments. Though I'll be ready for it if it comes down to that on the 3rd cycle.

 

I'm sharing this with you because I have been so open with our story. And this is part of our story. Being infertile, or facing infertility and loss shouldn't be a shameful thing to go through alone. I've said this before and I'll say it again, I'd rather have a conversation about it then going on un-educated about the subject. Maybe one day you'll be able to see a friend through a loss or struggle. My husband and friends have been pretty awesome. Sometimes they don't know what to say, and that's completely ok. Its just about being there, listening, giving me a tissue when I'm crying my eyes out. Sometimes its all I need.

I'm working through the feelings of being shameful about it, or embarrassed by it. Sometimes I even feel judged, like "there she goes crying.. AGAIN," and I shouldn't feel that way. It's totally ok to be sad. And really, this Friday will only have been 4 weeks since the loss. But I'm doing pretty good. I said on my status earlier that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if its the headlight of another train coming straight towards be, I'll be ready to face it head on.

 



We Have A Protocol!

So, Its been a hot minute since my last post. And I've re-edited this to include a little bit more of the story.


My last post included information that we were about to go to our follow up apt with the RE (doctor). Knowing already that we have to wait until my thyroid levels out, I wasn't so sure that this appointment was going to be what I wanted it to be. Would the doctor strike my plan out until further notice? Would we have to wait even longer to start? And the results of everything, what would be our official "diagnosis"? Was it "me," was it "him?"


Feeling everything at once, I was more excited than anything. This doctor apt meant one step closer, even though we had to wait. It was 'movement' in our baby to be journey.


The results. Everything is just fine with the husband. So that meant it was "me." I mean, after close to 11 years of not,not trying I kind of already knew this. I'm the one with all the funky ailments. But to hear it officially, was hard for me. Yet at the same time (unlike the last diagnosis) we had a base line on where to go from here. Continuing down the list of results, my sugars are fine, everything is ok from the PCOS panel done. My ovarian reserve was a disappointing 2, when they like to see a 4 or better. This could mean that I might not have any good eggs left, or that the eggs I do produce are not good enough to sustain life. When I heard this, I knew exactly what the doctor was saying because I have done enough research to know what "ovarian reserve" meant. And I lost it. The tears just pored, I couldn't help it. Even now as I'm typing this I'm getting teary.
But with that said. Like every fingerprint, every ovary is different. This is just one number out of all the other factors that are involved in this awesome science experiment I call "getting pregnant." So, I push this information all the way back into my mind and decide to focus on the positive.
Then I get hit with the hemoglobin number. I am border line 5.7, when they want to see a 6 or below. So after the holidays, it was time to again-focus on me, myself and I and get my mind right and lose the weight. I have to admit, its been a struggle. More of a struggle than I thought I would be. I've done it before, so what's this issue? Well, as silly as it sounds I'm an emotional eater. And this is one heck of an emotional roller coaster. Hence, the struggle. I have to give credit to my dear husband. Being a man, he is kind of removed from emotions of what a women would be going through and has always brought be back to earth, or eased my pain, or just be there when I needed to vent.

But! I did get what I ultimately wanted. We have our protocol (game plan!!). I am getting my blood work done this week and then impatiently wait by the phone to hear from my endocrinologist "go!"  Once I get the go, its time to order all the meds and then we'll be starting our treatment plan apx Feb 20th. So long as my PCOS doesn't rear its ugly head, and its a normal cycle.

So here goes; I'll put it all in lamens terms:

Medications I'm currently on:
Metformin 2000 mg
Synthroid 88 mcg
Prenatals

Day 1 I call into the doctors to say Hey!
Day 3 will be blood work, and sonogram to check out everything. I'll get the results in the afternoon and given instructions regarding the Clomid, Gonadotropin and schedule monitoring appointments.
Day 3-7, Clomid 50mg 
Day 7 & 9, Injections. Fun. Gonadotropin (Bravelle 75iu) injection as instructed.
Day 10, ultrasound and bloodwork. Will be called in the afternoon with results. Possible 'trigger injection' (Ovidrel). Also start Prometrium (progesterone) until told not to. (BFN).

Then we "try" and hope and pray for the best.

We'll do 2 or 3 cycles of this. Then move onto IUI. Same procedure, but instead of timed "trying" they'll take his sample, clean it out so that they get the best of the best and shoot it up in the catheter so they'll end up near the tubes.
Then pray.
Another 2 or 3 cycles of this.

If that doesn't work, IVF here we come.

We'll cross this bridge when/if we get close to this process (if the other 4/6 cycles don't work, we're looking at late summer, early fall). All I really know is that is the same sort of process as above, but they'll take out any/all eggs and match it with the clean husband sample.. cross their arms, wrinkle their noses and poof.. we'll have embryos. Then the embryo's goes through their own 5 day process..  and whatever makes it though, we'll decided to put back in 1 or 2 embryos..  and do my down crossing arms, wrinkle my nose... and poof -twins-.

Twins? I'm down for it. I know what it means. I've thought about this for a long time. So long as there is no major complications, its kind of what I want to happen. But that also means huge lifestyle changes. We have a 2 bedroom 1 bath house.. so eventually we'd have to move. I have a tiny 2 door car, that I will try to make it work. But if my husband cant get fit his lunch box in the back seat, how I am supposed to fit a car seat, let a lone car seat with a baby or two? So that means a new car. And probably a second new car. My husband has my older crv, but has turned it into a 'man car/contruction' vehicle. Ok -yes we can clean it up...  but the car is also used to haul trash on a weekly bases. Would you put a car seat in garbage truck? probably not.. so.. that's my answer.

But I also know that we can very well put in 2 embryo's and only 1 can 'stick'.. which is also totally cool with me. One baby is all I ever really wanted.
We'll only have to make such decisions if we have to go that route. Hopefully not. Hopefully it will all happen the 1st round. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

So this brings me to the very end of 2014. Just like 2013, this year couldn't end sooner. My very good friend told me that this year (2015) will be the "Year of Kim." And I have no doubt, she's right.

2015 - I cant wait to meet you.

"You're up then you're down"

That's exactly how it has been for the last two or so weeks. I'm getting back up there. Every time I feel less than, I try to mentally throw my hands up to the Lord, take a deep breath and pray for strength and comfort, remembering that he works at his own pace and to trust in that.
I keep getting signs from him which I find encouraging. Another random experience with the nurse who was there when I had my procedure done (more on that in a minute) that she too has PCOS and is on the same medication as me and has had two kids, trying for a 3rd. Another one during my doctors apt yesterday (more on that one too), she was telling me that one of her patients was able to get pregnant on just Metformin too. I hope its just that easy for me.

This entry will just be a quick update. There hasn't been any major changes, and probably wont have any in December except for one more doctors apt, which is our follow up with the fertility doctor. 

Last week I had my procedure done to remove the polyp. I didn't end up getting knocked out, but probably should have been. It was painful. I hope I never have to do that again. I wasn't in the 'picture taking mood,' but I wanted to capture this poster of a beach scene on the ceiling, so when you're laying on the table, you look right at it. Its a nice gesture I suppose. I spent the rest of the day on the couch watching all my dvr episodes of all things Bravo TV.

Yesterday I met with my endocrinologist to discuss my results of my now Hyper thyroid, I am usually Hypo. We also discussed my actions with the fertility doctors, she was happy to see that I am trying for a baby. I have been with this doctor for years now, so its nice to go through 'life events' and it seem like she truly cares that I am successful. Because of this change, my dosage has been adjusted and she wants me to wait until 6-9 weeks (until blood test show my levels) before I start any treatments with fertility.
Having a hyperthyroid increases the risk of miscarriages, low birth rate, among other problems.
Another road bump, but...  I will gladly (after a quick prayer and a deep breath) wait another cycle or two in order to have the most healthy and successful pregnancy. This will now put me late January, most likely February before I can move forward with treatments.

 

As mentioned, we are having our follow up apt with the fertility doctor on the 18th. All test, procedures, results will have come back and reviewed. I'm hoping to come out of this appointment with "the game plan," even though we wont be able to start it right away.

 

Until then, I will enjoy the holidays with family. Bake cookies. Take advantage of any nice days, go for walks. Get into some good books. And start the new year with a clear head, ready for my mission.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything; tell God your needs and don't forget to thank him for his answers. If you do this you will experience Gods peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your hearts quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus." Philippians 6-7

Now... Where did I put my Genie?

It’s only been a week or so into this process and I just want to wiggle my nose, cross my arms and blink twice. *POOF* I have a baby growing in my tummy.

 

Today my saline sonogram showed that I had a 11mm polyp in my uterine lining. A saline sonogram is where a saline solution (salt solution) is inserted via catheter into the uterus through the cervix. The catheter is removed, then the ultrasound portion begins (I’ll spare you the details). The polyp will need to be removed as it will disrupt any successful embryos from attaching to the uterine wall. It’s enough of a surgical procedure to put me under. 
After taking the weekend to push the 'reset' button I'm realizing that it’s not a huge issue but it will set us back at least 1 or 2 cycles from being able to start the medications. This even sets back the 2^nd follow up appointment before we meet back with the doctor to go over the next steps. It’s discouraging, but this will force me to stop and slow down. We’re not in a race. (Even though I feel like everyone has already crossed the finished line except me). Something I know to be true, is that its ok to be upset. Have a sad moment, but then, pick up and move onto that next phase. I'm going to need all the energy and strength to get through this. During the weekend I kept thinking as I was switching my summer wardrobe to the winter clothes, "I hope I'm wearing maternity close next summer." Hey genie - is it April yet?

So my next step is meeting with an ‘outside’ OB next week to go over what the sonogram showed, and try to time out and schedule this procedure (I’m learning everything is ‘cycle’ based. I’ll be living off a cycle based calendar-Joy!) Oh – and did I mention yet another blood test? This time I’m getting a full thyroid panel, I'm thinking that my dosage will need to changed. My arm has had a bruise all week.

Recently I have been immersing myself in every and all information about infertility, the processes, IUI's, IVF's, happy and sad endings. I've been reading other blogs, and it has terrified me. Its hard to tell whether or not I should be reading these things, its like the doctors always say "don't diagnose yourself via the Internet." (FYI not everything you read on the Internet is true - - Can you sense my sarcasm?). I want to be informed, but also want to remain naive. Staying naive will help me keep the hope that it wont take long to be successful at this. From reading other blogs I've picked up a few good books to start on. Recommendations are listed on your right.

I am still very much excited and hopeful because I have had a lot of random (like, really random!) occurrences where I've met women who have had fertility issues and having PCOS and they have all had babies, or are pregnant. I see these a Gods little signs to me, "I see you, I'm watching you and I am with you." In a world where its so easy to get knocked down, having faith can really pull you through. When I read about what other women have gone through, and some of the medical processes that I am probably going to face its going to be a long emotional road - the marathon that I mentioned earlier. You ask, is it really worth putting your body through all of this, the injections, the hormones, pills, tests? For me, the answer is yes.  I don't think I can ever 'get over' not being able to have a baby unless I try my hardest...at trying. To know that I have exhausted all options, is when I can start to morn that part of my life, pick myself up and lean on my support, my husband. (A possibly get another dog.)

I'm learning to "let go and let God." This will all play out to His timing. And I have complete Faith.

Some of you may have read my blog earlier. I went off on a tangent so I've edited all of that out and will say only this: To the negative Nancy's, I wont give you any of my energy. Even this sentence is to much for you.

For now, this is it. Seth will do his part and have blood drawn for the genetics test and will take 3 weeks for the results to come back. In addition to having my procedure I'll be meeting with my endocrinologist Dec 1st. Since we have to wait for the blood results to come back I imagine we'll have our follow up apt with the fertility doc in early-mid Dec. Prayers and positivity are always welcome.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11.