Its time for an update! My last post was about having gone through our loss and the plan was to try all summer to repeat the luck I had in January, on our own with no medical help.
After much trying and no such luck and after some brief sadness and confusion in the early months of summer (why me? why not?) I feel like I've come out the other side of this all and I'm ready to move forward to the next stage, an acceptance of sorts. I've got my armor back on, and my head is back in the game and I'm ready. Not that I necessarily need that guard up, as my worst fear has already happened, but now I think I'll be able to handle absolutely everything that will be thrown my way.
And after much back + fourth with the car accident/insurance issues, I finally got a settlement and a new car at the end of March. Its another civic- 2015 -4 door. I was worried that I wouldn't have enough space for the twins I'm praying for. While waiting for the sales guy to pull up the car I picked out, I saw a mom get her baby out of the back seat of a.... 4 door civic. So I stopped her when she came inside and asked if she liked her car and if it made sense to have with a family. Her response made me feel much better about going for the smaller car rather than another CRV. She said she loved it, and that it worked out great. She has plenty of room for car seats and baby stuff in the trunk. So now, all I have to get is the baby(s).
After trying for so long -to date, it has been over 11 years and we are really just beginning our journey. We are beginning our 1st treated cycle, and however many more until I get my take home baby. Lately my mantra has been "It will happen the way its supposed to." I continue to wonder, what the heck is my plan and admittedly struggle with that. But I have a bible verse that I lean on, A LOT, its right next to my computer at work "Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and thank him for his answers; Philippians 6."
And I get signs every once in awhile that remind me that He is always there.
Its funny, I work a second part time job at a grocery store as a cashier -and the conversation always begins as "Hi, how are you?" and they either respond back or mumble something (different story for a different day). When the question is asked in return I always wonder how they would react when I would say "oh, you know just struggling through PCOS, with a side helping of a thyroid problem not the mention infertility & loss, and I'm about to shoot myself up with hormones with needles and drugs to see if that helps, but other than that I'm GREAT!" So instead I say, "I'm doing pretty good." Which is honest, I am pretty good. Then there are those times I get a response back as"its a blessed day, your alive and breathing," or "it could be worse!" That's true, even after everything I have gone through in just these last 12 months, it certainly could be worse. I take it as a little nudge from Him telling me to 'relax, I got you.'Or more recently the time where I had three separate people in my line one after the other and they were all twins (had a twin sister/brother)! I had them rub my hands for good luck. What are the odds of that??
So, its back to the plan. Its the same one I was supposed to have started in February this year. I feel like its a standard, good way to start. We're taking it on the slower end of things at first to where there are no major changes to what we have been doing, except that I'm on 4 different medications and I'll be checking in with the doctors to see those follicles growing to make sure that I even do have eggs to get fertilized.
And then we'll go from there.
I am very blessed to have the best doctors in the area, who really do care about me and building my family, who have called me personally on a Saturday to say how sorry they were to hear that I had miscarried. To have offered me choices and plans but ended the conversation "its up to you." To have a nurse who is handling my case, who make sure she calls me back at any hour (the last call being at 9pm on her day off(!!!) ) to make sure I understand everything and answers all my questions. I have complete control of my path and sometimes that can be a rare thing to have when dealing with a team of doctors.
Going through and dealing with infertility and now loss is something that can be so intense and life consuming, but I'm trying my best to not let it take over my life, no time for that :) Ever since my loss, its been about slowing way down and taking this process day by day, as anything could happen to stop me dead in my tracks. And I'm still in that mind frame. Day by day, cycle by cycle. And manage life in between and still working on 'me.'
I'll write an update when I feel like there's something to update you with. Sometimes I feel like crawling into a cave and not coming out, focusing only on myself and not get distracted with the world outside. And I think that's ok sometimes, almost like battling this alone (with the husband). That way I can keep quite and not have to report anything. Some days or weeks I just may do that. Do not be offended if I withdraw from you. Sometimes I wont/don't have the energy for anything other than getting myself through the next day. I'm just trying to cope with the emotional roller coaster I'm about to board.
I am however, looking forward to Gamecock Football!! The color of leaves changing in the mountains that surround us. The chill in the air. Hopefully getting in a hike or two before it gets really cold. Also getting in some day/weekend trips with the husband (including a Steeler football game against that 'purple' team). And seeing some friends I haven't seen in a while - I will make the effort I promise!
In closing, by the time you read this I will have already started the treatment processes. I ask as I move forward with the next stage of building my family I would appreciate any prayers, good vibes, happy thoughts my way. I encourage you to read those articles that either I or someone else post's. It just gives you a little bit more insight to what I or someone you know is going through. I'm so happy to see this area being shown out in the light of day because it shouldn't be hidden in the darkness. I'm always happy to have a conversation or answer any curious minds.
Until Next Time
With Love,
Kimberly & Seth
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